The Tangled, F-d Up Web of Family
So, as we all probably are aware, based on previous blog posts, I am very into researching my family's history. I feel it is very important to know where we came from if at all possible. But tonight, I find myself holding my cat Boo and for the first time bawling my eyes out ashamed at my family's past.
I knew before that I had some Native American in my dad's side; family oral history had stated that one of my dad's ancestors had been adopted, and that this person was Native American. I had found my dad's grandmother, and then also found someone with her same name and birthdate listed on the Dawes rolls. Her name was not that common either; there weren't that many Pearl Gertrude Manuel's with the same date of birth out there, so I had a very strong feeling that oral history and written record were matching up here. It was showing that this Pearl was of Creek Indian origin; I had a very strong feeling that I had found the Native American ancestor that my dad's side had talked about. Given that my grandfather would have known about this (this would have been his mother, after all - and he definitely looked Native American) I can believe the oral history to be accurate.
I became distraught tonight, however, when listening to Bailey Sarian's excellent podcast 'Dark History Ep #4: Andrew Jackson was the literal devil (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIgwJO_ZsIw). I hadn't realized that Jackson had participated in the Creek Wars, and more importantly, that one of my dad's other ancestors, James "Bushy Creek" Smith, participated in a war that shipped the Creek tribe to Oklahoma, where Pearl was eventually adopted from. While I realize that conquest is the nature of things (hell, I can trace my damned ancestors all the way back to Roman times - based on my gens, someone from my ancestral line fought Julius Caesar), the fact that one of my direct ancestors led directly to one of my other direct ancestors' being displaced really struck me. This was the first time that it hurt in such a visceral way. I can usually intellectualize things. I usually take pride in my family and joke about 'how far my family has fallen.' (Those who have seen my genealogical research know what I mean - my direct ancestors include Plantagenets, Carolingians, Rollo, the gens Afrania and Sylvania, and more French Louis' than I can count....) I know there is crap that my ancestors have done that, by today's standards, would not fly. Today, though, it hit me. The weight of it hit me, and it is carried on my shoulders. And I have a very hard time carrying it right now.....
So, I weep. For those who have been wronged. For my adopted sister, who is Black, who has to deal with the bullshit that is Texas. I so wish she could come home and get better care here in Ohio. (Though Ohio might not be much better given the intellectual prowess of its elected officials). I weep for those that have been wronged. I have no bloody clue how to fix things. I realize that this seems like a hopeless post. I know, as a High Priestess, I need to have the answers for those I serve. I find myself lacking those answers right now....
All I can do is offer the plea to try to right the wrongs of the past in the ways that you deem best.